A New View of Conflict
Conflict is a complex phenomena. Yet, to begin to learn how to resolve
conflict constructively requires taking a different understanding
of it.
Conflict is always relational.
As the old saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” While
we can experience discord within our selves (intra-personally), conflict
doesn’t manifest itself until it is verbally communicated. Hence,
conflict is a communication event. As such, conflict is not a state
that people enter into, but rather is created as result of the communicative
interaction in which two people engage. The direction the conflict
interaction takes –escalation or de-escalation– depends
on the response each participant makes to what is said.
Since clearly we cannot control what others say or do, then the burden
lies on us to take responsibility for our actions during a conflict
interaction. To manage an interaction effectively we can only model
communication behaviors that evoke greater understanding: asking open-ended,
clarifying questions; using “I” statements; and, most
importantly, listening intently. When we take the first step, old
patterns that are so engrained in some relationships are more likely
to change.
Conflict can be constructive.
Conflict tends to incite anxiety in all of us because of all the
negative conflict interactions we’ve experienced throughout
our lives. Conflict is no fun; it is uncomfortable at best and downright
dangerous at worst. However, when managed effectively conflict can
be a constructive force that improves and strengthens relationships:
- Raises issues – conflict brings issues
to light. Until differences of opinion, values, perspectives etc.
are communicated they cannot be proactively addressed.
- Indicates there is a need for change –
conflict indicates that something “just isn’t right”
between people and that there is a need for change.
- Impels people to problem-solve and learn from their differences–
in an effort to relieve the discord that results from conflict people
seek to find resolution to their differences.
Constructive conflict resolution takes work.
Building understanding is a process that is accomplished through
communication and requires that we be ever cognizant of our self in
relation to others. First, we need to identify and express clearly
what it is we need or want from the other–for example, a change
in behavior, recognition or respect. Second, we need to recognize
and acknowledge the other’s perspectives, interests, and needs.
In other words, being profoundly open to the other while still holding
our own ground.
Resolving conflict constructively might take us out of our comfort
zones and may require some risk taking, but it is a skill that can
be learned and refined with practice.
Sources:
- Domenici, K. & Littlejohn, S. (2001) Mediation: Empowerment
in conflict management (2nd). Prospect Heights : Waveland.
- Folger, J., Poole, M. & Stutman, R. (2001) Working through
conflict: Strategies for relationships, groups and organizations.
New York : Longman.
- Littlejohn, S. & Domenici, K. (2001) Engaging communication
in conflict: Systemic practice. Thousand Oaks : Sage.
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